iHurt

I have been thinking a lot about pain lately. No, wait, that's not correct. I have been IN pain a lot lately. That makes it hard to think about anything else. I am not used to this. It does not make me happy. I see myself becoming a House clone, using my cane to bash unsuspecting ignorant people over the head and smiling demoniacally. When people ask me how I'm feeling today, I know they mean well, but it's really hard to tell them how this feels on a day to day basis. It hurts. Sometimes it really hurts. Sometimes it hurts like hell.

Any of you who work in clinical healthcare know that there are various scales for asking about and recording levels of pain. Some use numbers, some use smiley and frowny faces, some have you make your mark along a continuum, etc., etc. They all have their places. They all help us to document things as time goes by. But do any of them actually convey, in real time, in plain language, in graphic excellence, just where today's pain level is? I would submit that they do not.

I have a new scale for you today. I submit this to you feeling utterly confident that if you share it with others and use it religiously, that there will be virtually NO misunderstanding about your level of pain on any given day. Trust me on this. A little cross training and we're good to go.

I give you, ladies and gentleman, the iHurt scale. Like any i-device, it is simple. It is elegant. Anyone can understand it. Anyone can use it. It has no buttons. Enjoy.

0 "Beer on the deck in the sunshine." Simply put, I feel NO pain.

1 "Mosquito bite." I feel something, but I can just slap it away.

2 "PowerPoint." Dull, aching, obnoxious, never-ending.

3 "Three Alarm". Feel the burn.

4 "Psycho." Crazy, sharp, stabbing pain.

5 "Boom box." Throbbing, pulsing, pounding.

6 "Upchuck." Yep, it's that bad.

7 "Appendiserious." Take something out. Now.

8 "Labor pain." I'm done. Epidural.

9 "Nein, nein, nein!" Do NOT touch me. General anesthesia.

10 "Kid Rock." Any of you who have ever experienced a kidney stone will understand this immediately. No explanation needed. Let me die.

Try it out.

By the way, I'm at Boom box today. How about you?

Yeah, I feel your pain.